


Arcade

by GuineapigQueen



Category: South Park
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, creek lean on one another through grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21557308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuineapigQueen/pseuds/GuineapigQueen
Summary: "A broken heart is all that's leftI'm still fixing all the cracksLost a couple of pieces whenI carried it, carried it, carried it homeI'm afraid of all I amMy mind feels like a foreign landSilence ringing inside my headPlease, carry me, carry me, carry me homeI spent all of the love I've savedWe were always a losing gameSmall-town boy in a big arcadeI got addicted to a losing gameAll I know, all I knowLoving you is a losing game"- Arcade by Duncan Laurence
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	Arcade

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I wrote for a friend on tumblr to help her get through a hard time. I hope this helps you and that I did justice to you prompt <3
> 
> The title is just a reference to the song Arcade by Duncan Laurence. It's a song that I think captures some of the emotions of loss and grief evoked in this fic so I decided to quote it and name the fic after it. The song is beautiful and sad and worth a listen if you've no heard it.
> 
> TW MISCARRIAGE - please err on the side of caution if this triggers or upsets you. Much love <3

"I'm so tired" Craig complains as he and Tweek stroll hand in hand down the restaurant precinct at the mall. They've just gone out to have dinner together. Their deal is one date night a week, whichever day works best with their work schedule. 

"Big day?" Tweek asks.

"Just work" Craig replies, "I just wanna curl up and sleep when we get home."

"Do you wanna  _ -nnn- _ get an uber? If you're  _ that  _ tired?" Tweek asks. Craig appreciates Tweek's concerns, but he's pretty sure he can handle the short work home. 

"I'm okay, tonight was worth going out anyway," he says, grinning at his partner. 

"The food was pretty amazing" Tweek agrees. 

"It was, I love how we are" Craig replies. His cheeks blush a little, partially from the cold Colorado air but also partially from the pleasant rush of being in love. 

"Me too, we're lucky to have  _ -nghh-  _ found each other" Tweek hums happily. 

They've been together since college. They met at some party, their friend Kenny likes to claim that it was his party that got them together. Craig and Tweek actually don't remember whose party it was, but it doesn't matter. The end result is the happiest relationship Craig has ever been in. It's not perfect, they have fights and their own issues like any couple does, but overall they're happy. They dated for the entirety of college, lived together for three and got engaged last year. They've been kinda slow on the wedding planning but they're in no hurry. They're very happy as they are.

They live fairly typical, busy lives for millennials, they both work a lot, and very hard, at their jobs. They have to if they want to have the house, the wedding, the future… etc. They make time for one another as much as they can, even if it's just watching a movie together before bed. They always,  _ always  _ have a date night once a week. It's an extremely important tradition for them.

"So when we get home will you be mad if I just go straight to bed?" Craig asks, stifling a yawn. 

"Not at all" Tweek replies "you have as an early night as you want, man."

"I'm getting old" Craig jokes. Tweek just pulls him in closer for a hug.

—

The tired feeling doesn't really go away. Craig is worried that maybe he is coming down with something but he doesn't really feel like he can afford to take any time off work. Instead he powers through, it's a hard feeling to describe. It's almost like having the flu, but not. He's super tired, a little bit headachey and kinda nauseous but never enough of all three at one time to consider himself "sick." It's like a virus that never really comes on but also never really goes away. 

He powers through because bills don't pay themselves. Craig is an architect, but he is a junior one on a team part of a firm. He hasn't been out of college all that long but he got lucky and found work not too long after finishing his degree. He wants to prove that he is a good worker, that hiring him wasn't a mistake. 

He's tired on the bus there and a little nauseous. He closes his eyes and rests while holding on to the handle standing up. An old lady asks him if he's okay, which is a little embarrassing but he assures her he is fine. 

The walk to his office building from the bus stop wakes him up a little. The cold air blowing in his face keeps him alert. They're going to have a meeting a bit later this morning and he wants to be awake for that. Just because he feels shitty doesn't mean he's any less passionate about his job. 

He spends the morning at his desk, doing whatever work he can while he waits for the meeting to be called. He doesn't feel good at all, nausea swirling in his stomach in strong waves. He knows he probably should go home but he's the youngest one here and has a lot to prove. 

When the meeting is finally called Craig's plan is to lay low. He doesn't actually have anything to present, the senior architects will have the floor so he just has to sit and listen. It's not the end of the world. 

He sort of feels like people are talking in jibberish. A lot of the executives presentation just goes in one ear and out the other. He hates that he's essentially being disrespectful and not listening to his colleagues but he just doesn't feel with it at all. He's sitting towards the back to try and hide, but unfortunately the closest garbage can is towards the front. When a huge wave of nausea hits him instinct takes over and he rushes to the front to be sick. He interrupts his colleagues presenting and feels horrible for it. His boss forces him to go home, with his tail between his legs, embarrassed. He doesn't think he's in trouble but he's essentially made a fool of himself in front of all his colleagues. 

He sends Tweek a text to let him know what happened. Tweek replies, sounding worried, but Craig assures him he is okay. Just his pride bruised. 

He still feels very nauseous on the bus but manages to hold it together. He wraps a hand around his stomach and just concentrates on not being sick. He notices every little bump and turn just that much more in his sensitive state. 

Somewhere behind him he can hear a child shrieking. It's a happy shriek though, not from crying. He turns around to see a mother playing with her baby. Craig doesn't really know how to gauge an infant's age just by looking but the baby is old enough to play and laugh. Old enough to engage with its mother and its surroundings. While the shrieking is hurting his head Craig doesn't think he can stay mad at a happy baby laughing on the bus. 

_ How nice,  _ he can't help but think. A warm glow spreading through his belly and a smile on his face. Craig doesn't know why he's so moved, he's not normally a very broody person. He likes kids well enough but he's been enjoying being young and in love, not really thinking about that aspect of the future yet. Normally Craig isn't so mushy about these things, but if he really thinks about it he's been kind of mushy about a few things lately. He's been more moody and emotional than usual, he's been getting upset over stuff he normally wouldn't care about on top of being so unwell. 

And it's not going away. 

The realization hits Craig quickly. Maybe he's pregnant. God, he could be. He and Tweek use protection but maybe they screwed up somewhere. It happens, Craig's heard some horror stories. He looks back over at the baby, it smiles back at him. It's mother smiles at him too, she waves and says "say hello!" The baby waves too. Craig feels like he might cry, the baby is gorgeous.  _ Babies  _ are gorgeous. Tweek is gorgeous and Craig loves him. He knows Tweek's baby will be lovely too but also… they're not ready. He's not as established in his job as he wants to be. He and Tweek are still saving up for their wedding. Too much is going on, he doesn't have time to be pregnant and raise a baby. He just feels extremely confused. 

Craig is numb with shock when he finally gets home. All he knows is he has to talk with Tweek. 

—

Craig waits till Tweek gets home. He just waits, for several hours, going over and over everything in his head. He doesn't think he's making this up, the longer he sits and stews the more he begins to convince himself that yes, he's definitely pregnant. 

When Tweek finally walks in the door Craig is a wreck. He's not crying or anything but he's on edge, extremely anxious. 

"What's the matter?" Tweek asks, knowing immediately that something isn't right.

"Tweek I'm…" he hesitates "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." 

"Huh?" Tweek replies, frowning "you figured this out  _ -hnn-  _ when?"

"Tweek I'm not joking," Craig says, frustrated "I threw up in front of everyone at work."

"That doesn't mean you're  _ -nghh-  _ pregnant" Tweek says, trying to be comforting. 

"Tweek" Craig groans "I'm sick, I've been super moody and today I saw a baby and felt broody" Craig tries to explain.

"Well, it's not like you to be  _ -ah-  _ overdramatic" Tweek jokes, but Craig doesn't see the funny side.

"Please, can you go get a test? I need to know Tweek. If I'm overreacting fine, you win, but I need to  _ know"  _ Craig presses.

Tweek sighs "fine, I'm getting dinner then too."

"I love you and thank you" Craig replies, he does want Tweek to know that he appreciates the effort. Tweek did just get home from work, and he's going out again just for Craig's benefit. 

"You want chinese?" Tweek asks, Craig makes a face and shakes his head.

"Okay then" Tweek says "what does our  _ baby  _ want?"

"Stop it. It's not funny Tweek. You're not the one who might have  _ something  _ growing inside you" Craig snips. 

"Okay" Tweek says, his tone softening "what do you  _ -gah-  _ want for dinner? What doesn't make you feel sick?"

Craig has to think. Almost  _ everything  _ makes him feel sick. "Chipotle" he decides after a while. He doesn't think there's much logic to pregnancy cravings or avoidances so he just decides to go for it. If he gets sick he gets sick. 

"Okay, I'll be  _ -mmm-  _ back with Chipotle and a pregnancy test" Tweek promises. 

All Craig can do is continue the wait. He's nervous, there might be an  _ alive  _ thing in his stomach. It's creeping him out a little bit. He knows this is probably an immature reaction but he can't get it out of his head. He and Tweek could've made a life… completely by accident. It just seems a bit messed up. Craig thinks that if he is pregnant, he probably would get his head round it. He'd get used to the idea and learn to love it but right now it just feels like an alien invader.  _ Foreign. _

Craig hasn't moved from the living room when Tweek returns. He places their dinner on the kitchen counter and then roots around the bags until he finds the test. 

"Let's  _ -nghh-  _ get this over with" Tweek says, throwing the box at Craig. Craig only just catches it. 

"You won't be so smug if it's positive" Craig grumbles. He doesn't stay for Tweek's retort, instead he heads to the bathroom to find out his fate. 

Craig knows Tweek thinks he's overreacting. If Tweek thought Craig was pregnant for real he'd be just as freaked out as Craig is. But Tweek isn't in Craig's body. He just feels  _ different.  _

"Get in!" He yells at Tweek once he's done his business. He's surprised to find that Tweek was waiting outside the door.

"Want me to  _ -hnn-  _ set the timer?" Tweek asks and Craig nods.

"Craig" Tweek says softly as he sets the timer on his phone "what’s got you so  _ -nnn- _ convinced you're pregnant? We're always safe."

"Birth control can fail Tweek" Craig bristles.

"So why do you think  _ -ah- _ ours did?" Tweek presses, Craig has to admit he doesn’t really know. He just  _ feels it.  _

"I don't know Tweek I just feel different. I feel weird and emotional. The nausea has been going on for so long… You're not in my body Tweek, something feels strange" he explains with a sigh.

"Well I'm not going to  _ -nnn-  _ dismiss your feelings. If you feel something is wrong we'll chase it up" Tweek says honestly. Craig appreciates finally being taken seriously.

"I really think I'm pregnant Tweek" he admits. He’s terrified of what that will mean but he won’t deny that this is how he feels.

"Okay well we're gonna find out" Tweek nods.

Craig gulps, they sure are. Craig isn't sure he's ready for the answer but not knowing feels much worse. 

"Craig" Tweek says quietly "we'll be okay" he promises. 

Before Craig can reply the alarm on Tweeks phone begins to sound. Craig jumps, still so on edge even though he was expecting it.

"I can't look" Craig says.

"Okay, I'll do it" Tweek volunteers. He grabs the test off the sink to read it. He pales as he does. Craig feels sick.

"Can I… can I just  _ -ah-  _ check the box please?" Tweek stutters. Craig waits as he deciphers the instructions. 

"Babe… I" Tweek trails off "it  _ -gah-  _ says you're pregnant."

"Shit" is all Craig can reply. He knew it was going to say that but he wasn't ready to hear it come out of Tweek's mouth. 

"That  _ -nghh-  _ can't be right, can it?" Tweek says, clearly the seriousness is beginning to dawn on him.

"I think it can" Craig whispers. 

"We should probably see a doctor" Tweek says shakily "I'm freaking out but uh, know I'm not  _ -gah-  _ going anywhere, okay?"

"Promise?" Craig bites his lip. 

"Of course, we got into this together. We'll  _ -nghh-  _ figure it out together too" Tweek assures him.

—

Craig realises they're gonna have to talk about it now. He wanted to have this talk later, when they're older and more settled. While they aren't unstable by any means they are the products of their generation and are still saving and doing what they can to get by and make rent. They never talked about kids because they'd wanted to be better off financially. They wanted to be comfortable, married… just  _ older.  _ Craig still feels too young for all of this to be happening. Yes he's an adult, a young one albeit, with a job and an apartment and a fiance but he still feels like he wanted to do more young people things, with Tweek. They can't go to parties if they have a kid, no impromptu date nights and no sex whenever they want it. A kid means using their savings to buy stuff for the baby instead of a wedding or a holiday. No travelling and no more buying frivolous things for their own self indulgence. Craig still feels too young and selfish. 

Maybe Tweek doesn't even want kids. The topic has never really come up. Craig feels kind of silly now for not having the conversation sooner. They're engaged after all, they should have talked about the future more.

After a doctors visit confirms the pregnancy for sure Tweek had suggested they both just take some time to think about it. But Craig can't take  _ not  _ talking about anymore. He needs to know if Tweek wants any kids at all, let alone  _ this  _ one.

"We have to talk" Craig blurts over Indian takeout. A substitute for date night as Craig hasn't felt much like going out lately. 

"About the baby, yeah" Tweek says through a mouthful. Craig can't help but wince a little at the world. 

"Chew your food Tweek" he chastises "but yeah, about that." 

"Well it's  _ -ah-  _ your body Craig, I won't force you one way or the other" Tweek promises. He sounds so calm, Craig can't understand it. He supposes Tweek is chemically calm, his meds do their job well. 

"No but do you want kids? Like, in general?" Craig presses. 

"If it's with you, yeah. Maybe it's a bit  _ -nnn-  _ presumptuous of me, but I kinda expected that to  _ -nghh-  _ be our future" Tweek shrugs. 

"Me too, I think." When Craig does think of it that's mostly how he pictures their future too but definitely further into the distance. 

"Obviously we weren't thinking  _ now _ but it's not a  _ -gah-  _ tragedy" Tweek replies, continuing to eat. Craig can't even really think about eating while having this conversation. 

"It's not?" He questions. 

"Not for me, I  _ -nghh-  _ love you and I wouldn't mind going on this adventure with you" Tweek says with a small smile. 

"I was just thinking that maybe, there might still be stuff I wanna do" Craig confesses, wanting this perspective out in the open. 

"Yeah, like what?" Tweek asks, it's not judgmental, just curious. 

"Well travel maybe? And we'd have to give up on our wedding and all our impromptu dates and things…" Craig lists, unsure. 

"Yeah, things will have to change" Tweek agrees "but I see it like this, we  _ -ah-  _ love each other, that love made this kid, unintentionally or  _ -mmm-  _ not. I feel like we could still have those experiences, just sharing them with our kid. Being a family might be nice too." 

Craig hadn't considered this. In his mind parenthood meant never having any fun again. But he'd also thought that about becoming an adult as a teenager and that, of course, had been a childish assumption. Maybe Tweek is right, instead of fun things being all about them they can  _ share  _ fun things with their child. 

"You don't think we have to give everything up?" He wonders outloud. His perspective rocked a little bit. 

"I think things will  _ -nghh- _ change but we will still have cool, new memories" Tweek replies sincerely. 

"I mean… I feel so weird about this, because I don't  _ want  _ to get rid of the baby but also, I'm struggling to picture myself actually having it" Craig admits. That's mainly what's holding him back, that he's having trouble picturing himself as a parent. Otherwise he feels quite sad at the thought of aborting his and Tweek's baby, it kind of already feels like a part of them.

"That's okay Craig, I'm not going to force you okay? That's just my two cents" Tweek says, Craig appreciates the honesty without Tweek actually putting too much pressure on him. 

"I know, I guess I've never actually let myself think about how nice it might be to have a family with you," he says, a little self consciously. 

"If you want this, I'm  _ -nnn-  _ willing to go on this ride and make it work" Tweek encourages him.

"I think… I think I want to. I just haven't  _ let  _ myself want it" Craig tries to explain. It's weird, it's like he's trying to protect himself from change, even a change that could potentially make him happy. 

"Yeah, I sort of had that mental block too but once I  _ -hnn-  _ broke through it I found myself kind of wanting it" Tweek replies sympathetically. 

"I mean, yeah, now I'm thinking about it" Craig pictures a baby with Tweek's eyes. A small little hand holding his as he shows them all his favorite things in the word. His heart aches with want. 

"Well, you can change your mind if you want. I'm not saying it won't be scary, or even hard but I do think it'll be  _ -nghh-  _ worth it" Tweek says warmly, reaching for Craig's hand. He squeezes Craig's hand once their fingers are intertwined. 

"Yeah I'm scared as shit but… I think I wanna do this" Craig says, steeling himself. Knowing the consequences and the change saying this will bring. 

"Know I love you so much" Tweek replies, his eyes full with sincerity, love and admiration.

"I love you too" Craig says, hoping his own eyes echo Tweek's emotions and show the true depth of how he feels. 

—

Craig is roughly eight weeks pregnant and things are mostly going okay. He and Tweek have decided to stick with the tradition of not telling anyone about the baby before twelve weeks. Craig still feels exhausted and nauseous but at least he knows why. Knowing why, and knowing it's because he is growing a life makes him feel much lighter and more capable. Tweek has always been a wonderful supportive partner but Craig being pregnant seems to have made him kick this up a notch. It endears Craig to him even more, knowing this is Tweek's baby, the person he loves the most, growing inside him. It makes him happy to rest a hand on his belly and think about how great a dad Tweek is gonna be. 

Craig has noticed some small changes in his belly. Nothing anyone would notice on the outside but since it's happening to him, he notices. His stomach is a little bigger, barely, sort of like he just had a big lunch. But he knows it's a baby and it's kind of comforting. He's been wearing more comfortable and looser clothing, more for his own comfort for anything else. Most things still fit but he feels more secure in baggier stuff. 

Today they're going to have their first ultrasound. Craig will get a due date, which is a bit terrifying but at least they'll have a deadline. It's all going to be terrifyingly real, but at the same time Craig can't wait to see his child. He knows there probably won't be a lot to see but Craig still wants to know every detail. He knows Tweek feels the same, he's more outwardly excited. Tweek has always been better at showing his feelings, which is probably why he was more open to imagining their future with a baby. 

"I can't wait to  _ -gah-  _ tell everyone" Tweek says excitedly as they walk across the parking lot hand in hand. 

"I dunno" Craig hums in reply "I kinda like it being our special secret."

"It is kinda cool with just us, and the  _ -nnn-  _ doctor I guess, knowing" Tweek agrees happily.

"Well we're gonna learn more about them today, or get to see them at least" Craig points out, this is the part he is on the edge of his seat for.

"I can't wait! Don't make fun of me if I cry" Tweek jokes, but Craig knows it’s very possible that they both will.

"I can't promise anything" he laughs as they enter the doctors office. 

The practice receptionist is probably very used to jittery, excited couples coming through the door, desperate to see their babies but she humours them all the same. Asking if it’s their first pregnancy, how long have they been together, are they super excited? It’s nice to be able to tell  _ someone _ , even if that someone is a stranger behind a desk at a medical practice. Craig can sort of see what Tweek means now, twelve weeks can’t come soon enough. 

"Craig Tucker?" The doctor calls, both Craig and Tweek leap out of their seats excitedly.

"Nice to meet you" the doctor says as she guides them to her exam room "take a seat" she gestures to what must be her room. 

"I'm Craig" Craig says nicely.

"And I'm Tweek" Tweek adds on.

"I'm doctor James" she replies, "so you're here for your first prenatal ultrasound?"

"Yeah, we need a dating scan… I think that's what the referral was?" Craig says.

"Okay, so this is your first pregnancy?" She asks, getting a pen to write on his file. 

"Yes" Craig replies. 

"How have your symptoms been?" She asks again, Craig releases there's probably going to be a few questions before they get to the actual ultrasound part. 

"Okay, manageable. I've been a bit nauseous and tired mostly" he replies "not too noteworthy though." 

"Well that good that you're managing" she notes "And do you have a guess how far along you might be?"

"I'm not sure but the test said 4-5 weeks when I took it so by that estimate, around 8 weeks?" Craig replies. Their guess is purely based on the digital pregnancy test he'd taken, and math is neither of their strong suits. 

"Okay, well let's weigh you, then get you up on the table to have a look at this baby? Sound good?" She asks with a kind smile.

"Sounds great" Craig agrees as he gets up and steps on her scales. 

"Would you say this is your normal weight" she asks, Craig winces a little as he looks at the higher-than-normal number.

"I've put on a little bit of weight but not very much" he admits.

"Alright, just so we can track how much weight you put on throughout your pregnancy," she assures him.

"Sure, should I have put more on… or?" Craig asks, uneasy. He has no idea what is really expected of him here. 

"No, most people aren't showing by eight weeks, you seem to be pretty on par" she says "you're doing fine." 

"Thanks" Craig says, letting out a small sigh of relief. 

"It's hard sometimes because he  _ -nghh-  _ feels too sick to eat" Tweek points out. Tweek worries too much, Craig has sometimes felt a bit too ill to eat but it's not every day and for every meal. He's sure he's okay. 

"All the time?" The doctor enquires.

"No, on and off" Craig replies. 

"Okay, well just do your best to eat as healthy as you can. I'll give you a pamphlet on healthy eating in pregnancy before you leave" she promises.

"Okay thanks" Tweek says, relieved. 

"Knowing you Tweek, I'll eat like a king" Craig says, only half joking. Tweek is a good cook, and he takes that kind of stuff seriously. If he has to cook healthy, you bet he will. 

"You will when I'm  _ -hnn-  _ cooking" Tweek grins back. 

"Alright, I've written down your measurements, you ready to hop up on the table?" The doctor asks him. Craig realises the significance and sucks in a breath. 

" _ I'm  _ ready" Tweek pushes. 

"Be patient, I'm going" Craig hits back with an eye roll.

He hops up on the table, something that is easy for him as he's always been tall. He wonders if this will become more difficult as his belly grows. 

"Alright, you ready" the doctor asks, beginning to get her equipment ready. 

"Yes" Craig says, feeling surer than he has in a while "very." 

Craig lifts his shirt up so that she can squeeze on the gel. He's still a little bewildered that a whole new life is just nestled in there, even if it is the size of a pea. Tweek moves in closer and wraps his fingers around Craig's. 

Both of their eyes are trained on the screen, which is showing nothing at this present moment. They're still afraid to take their eyes off, not wanting to miss a thing. 

"Okay, a little cold now." The doctor advises before pressing the wand to Craig's belly. 

The screen still isn't showing much but Craig watches intently as she finds the spot. Slowly, after a few movements something begins to come into view. A circle with a tiny blob chilling inside. 

Craig knows instantly that tiny blob is their baby.

He can hear Tweek gasp and tighten his grip around Craig's hand. 

"There they are" Tweek whispers, enamored. 

"Here's your little one" doctor James says with a big smile "so far they're looking well."

"We made that tiny thing" Craig says to Tweek, a little bewildered. 

"How can you  _ -ah- _ tell if they're well?" Tweek asks.

"Well I can't tell specific things yet, but they're a good size for your dates. They seem to be growing well" she says "when your pregnancy progresses further we can do more anatomical scans and genetic testing to check up on specifics."

"Wow" is all Craig can say, knowing they're this small, definitely alive and kicking and they can see them. He feels so privileged knowing he can see his baby this early in it's life. 

It's starting to feel so much more real now. He cannot hold back the love he feels for this tiny little thing. It doesn't feel like an invader anymore, they are a guest. 

—

Craig yawns as he stretches out on the couch. He's starving, he's  _ always  _ starving now. At 14 weeks he's officially in the second trimester and luckily, his morning sickness has tapered off. Now he's just starving, like, all the time. He keeps snacks in the drawer of his desk at work and just grazes all day. Yet, still hungry when he gets home. Tweek has been taking the whole, eating healthy for two very seriously so he's been making wonderful healthy meals. Lots of fresh produce, balanced protein and yet, he finds a way to always make it just as tasty as something less healthy. 

Craig has to save his treats for for work. At home, Tweek is in charge. 

Craig has been watching a lot of videos on YouTube about pregnancy in general, but also specifically, whichever week he is experiencing himself. He's noticed that so many bumps look so different at 14 weeks. He's seen some people who do not look pregnant at all and some who have a very obvious baby bump. It's made Craig feel a lot better, he started properly showing at 12 weeks and has his own visible bump. He worried that maybe he was  _ too  _ big but it seems to all be very individual. He's not huge by any means but his formerly flat stomach is no longer so. He's had to switch to elastic pants and all his work clothes definitely make him look pregnant. Soon he will have to get new ones, really. 

12 weeks came and went, they're not hiding it anymore. Once they got the okay from the doctor they went ahead and told everyone. First Craig's parents, his sister and then Tweek's parents. They then took to facebook just to announce it generally. All to positive responses.

Craig also had to tell his work, which was the part he was most nervous about. He was scared maybe they wouldn't be understanding. Maybe they'd find some way to let him go. He just wasn't sure. But everyone at work congratulated him and he's felt much more secure about the pregnancy since then. He doesn't mind showing it off now. 

"Tweek, I'm actually starving" he says, knowing full well he is just lazing on the couch while Tweek cooks.

"Like  _ -nnn-  _ ten more minutes" Tweek promises "I'm worried you're gonna eat  _ me  _ sometimes." 

"Shut up, the baby needs her daddy around to make the best food" Craig grins. 

" _ Her _ ?" Tweek asks, seeming to stop what he's doing in the kitchen.

"Oh" Craig says realising his slip up "yeah well, I guess that's just the feeling I have, I dunno" he rubs his stomach self consciously. 

"No, well, there's nothing  _ -hmm-  _ wrong with guessing" Tweek replies "I wouldn't  _ -ah- _ mind a little girl."

"It's not that I don't want a boy, I'd be happy either way it's just… I dunno, I have a feeling" he admits with a shrug. 

"How about I say I think it's a  _ -hnn-  _ boy to even the odds out" Tweek offers with a laugh.

"Sure" Craig agrees "do you think we should find out the gender? Like after the 20 week scan?"

"I don't know, I mean, part of me  _ really, really  _ wants to know but also… a surprise could be nice" Tweek ponders. It's a decision that Craig hasn't made either. On one hand knowing means they could pick a name very early but the element of surprise feels kind of romantic. 

"Maybe we could wait and see?" Craig suggests "a surprise after a long labour could be really good."

"Sure" Tweek agrees "I won't  _ -nghh-  _ die from not knowing."

"There's a part of me that likes thinking of them as just a little genderless cherub" Craig admits "especially as they get bigger."

"I  _ -mmm-  _ love how big you're getting" Tweek hums "we get even longer with the bump because you're showing early."

"I like it too, people don't think I'm fat anymore. They know I'm actually pregnant" he agrees with a laugh. 

"You never looked fat, it's  _ -nghh-  _ always been all baby. Your stomach just kinda… pops out, it's funny" Tweek replies.

Craig looks down at his belly, the roundness on show due to him being in his work clothes. The rest of him is still pretty normal looking but it just kind of looks like he swallowed a coconut or something. 

"I'm a huge for 14 weeks" he laments, resting a hand on his belly. 

"You're beautiful my love" Tweek insists "you're  _ -ah-  _ full of life."

"I hate you" Craig says, but both he and Tweek know he is joking.

"You  _ -nnn-  _ do look great though Craig" Tweek promises "your bump is the cutest thing I've ever seen."

"Thanks" Craig replies "I think the baby inside will be cuter though."

"Definitely" Tweek agrees "now, come get your food, since you're  _ starving."  _

—

At not quite 18 weeks, everyone knows. Even strangers on the street. Craig is aware that he's quite big, but this is his first pregnancy, so he really has nothing to compare it too. The baby itself isn't extra big or anything, they're on par for their growth expectations it's apparently all about the way Craig's body carries the baby. Craig doesn't really understand it, but it's his reality. He doesn't really want to think about what 30-40 weeks will look like, for now he's just taking it one day at a time.

His main symptom at the moment is fatigue. He's tired almost all the time, he's been given lighter work at his job but he still feels like he's been doing overtime. His other main complaint is some back and hip pain but it's very manageable. 

He has to admit it's a little frustrating when people want to ask him about it at work. Sometimes he just wants to get on with the work he has to do and isn't all that keen on his co-workers cooing over his belly. He kind of likes to keep his pregnancy as private as possible. Obviously he can't hide the bump of his stomach and on most days he does like to show it off. But he likes keeping details between himself and Tweek. They've already decided to keep the baby's gender a surprise. It's hard to articulate, but Craig's whole life is now  _ baby _ and sometimes, in spaces like work, he likes to just forget about that for a hot minute and just be an adult. So he sometimes gets a little irritated when he's bombarded with questions, but he bites his tongue. He knows deep down that it's because they care. 

His parents are kind of the same, all they wanna talk about is the baby. They want updates, any and every detail and of course, pictures of Craig's ultrasounds and of his stomach. 

And while all this can be a bit annoying Craig knows that it's worth it. He knows that the baby will make him forget about every ounce of annoyance once they're here. He'll probably appreciate all the involvement of the people around him as he learns to be a parent. 

He savors the weekends though, knowing these are the last ones he and Tweek will have as a childless couple. They don't always manage to go on their date nights anymore. Often Craig wants to just stay home, Tweek will grab takeout and they'll just have a night in. It is a little bittersweet, knowing that things will change but Craig is excited for their new lives too. Maybe they'll spend less time out, but he's sure they'll find things to do at home as a family. Craig will miss impromptu dates or going to bars and clubs with friends but they can be replaced with things like taking their kid to the zoo, the park or playing with them at home. 

Craig is slowly making peace with the adjustment. He now looks forward to staying at home with his baby, which before getting pregnant was something he could never quite picture before. 

"We  _ -hnn-  _ should probably think about names" Tweek points out as they lazily watch a David Attenborough documentary. It's one they've seen before and it's more on as background noise. 

"I'm not even halfway through the pregnancy yet, you're letting the bump fool you" Craig jokes, patting the swell of his stomach. 

"Shut up, I know you're only  _ -gah-  _ 18 weeks" Tweek says with a laugh, reaching to touch Craig's belly "it's more about us  _ -nnn-  _ agreeing on something, I don't want us fighting in the delivery room over this" Tweek concludes seriously. 

"We won't" Craig says "I'll be yelling and you'll be apologizing."

"You hope so" Tweek quips "any name ideas?"

"I've got an even more controversial question, whose last name does the baby get?" Craig suggests with a smile.

"Not controversial. Yours" Tweek replies instantly. Like it's no big deal. Craig can't help but frown, how can he be so sure?

"Why mine?" He asks. 

"Several reasons, first: my  _ -nghh-  _ last name is Tweak. The kid will get teased. Secondly: I've always  _ -ah-  _ wanted to take  _ your _ name when we got married. I want us to all have the same name" Tweek replies, he places his hand over Craig's so that they are both resting on his stomach.

"Tweek I didn't… I didn't realise" Craig admits. He doesn't think they've seriously discussed last names, despite being engaged. 

"I  _ -nghh-  _ probably told you" Tweek shrugs.

"I guess I didn't realise you were serious. I mean, it's not the 1950's so I kinda expected we'd just keep our names" Craig answers. He's sort of always intended on keeping his name, but he wasn't going to force Tweek to take it. 

"Well, I  _ -gah-  _ want yours, if that's okay?" Tweek asks with a warm smile. 

"That's more than okay, I'd be honored to make you a Tucker" Craig replies, leaning in to kiss Tweek's lips.

"I'd be honored to  _ be  _ a Tucker. So it's settled then? We're all gonna be  _ -hnn-  _ Tuckers?" Tweek says when they part.

"Sure,  _ the Tucker family.  _ I like that" Craig grins excitedly. 

"Me too, but we still gotta talk about  _ -ah-  _ first names" Tweek presses. Craig has to admit it's not something he's thought about yet. 

"I don't know, I haven't thought in depth about names or anything" he admits. 

"Well what if I start?" Tweek suggests, encouraging Craig "What about  _ -mmm-  _ maybe Elliot? That name is unisex?" 

"Nah, I'm not really feeling it" Craig replies. 

"What about Amber for a girl? And Theodore for a boy?" Tweek offers.

"I'm not keen on Amber, but Theo could be cute?" Craig answers. He imagines a bedroom door with coloured letters spelling out  _ Theo _ … he smiles at the mental image. 

"Yeah? I quite like girls names that are  _ -nghh-  _ flowers or gemstones… I'm a bit basic" Tweek says. Maybe it's "basic" as Tweek puts it, but Craig likes those kinds of names too. Choosing a name may be easier than they realised. 

"Well, I'd prefer our kids' name to be classic. Not weird or spelt funny" Craig explains. 

"So basic is  _ -ah-  _ okay?" Tweek asks.

"In this case, yes" Craig agrees. 

Tweek is quiet for a minute. Like he's thinking about whether he should say what he wants to. It's weird, they don't usually hold much back from one another. Craig just lets the silence settle, and waits for Tweek to say what he needs to. 

"What about  _ -nnn-  _ Ruby?" He says finally, after some silence. 

"Ruby is Tricia's middle name" Craig points out, although he's sure this isn't lost on Tweek. 

"But  _ -hnng-  _ do you like it?" Tweek asks him.

"I do. A lot… do you think maybe… maybe if we have a girl we  _ could  _ call her Ruby. After Tricia?" Craig suggests. 

"I think that would be really lovely, I've always thought Ruby was  _ -gah-  _ really cute" Tweek nods in agreement. His smile brightening when he realises they've reached a consensus. 

"I told you, I just have this  _ feeling  _ that we're having a girl" Craig says, rubbing his stomach in fond circles. 

"Well, I guess we've  _ -nghh-  _ found our girl name, they boy one maybe needs some more discussion" Tweek agrees with him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

"We've got time" Craig hums happily, he begins to relax into Tweek's side until a strange feeling in his belly makes him stiffen. Like bubbles… or, maybe… fluttering?

"What?" Tweek asks, feeling Craig stiffen next to him "what's wrong?"

"Tweek I think I just..." he looks down at his stomach, amazed "I think I just felt the baby move."

"Holy shit" Tweek says "where? Can I  _ -ah-  _ feel?"

"Here" Craig says, moving Tweek's hand to the spot on his stomach "but I don't think you can feel on the outside yet."

"Yeah, I can't  _ -nnn-  _ feel anything" Tweek says, sounding a little disappointed. 

"It's okay, when they get bigger and stronger you'll feel tons of kicks" Craig assures him. 

"Yeah, that'll be amazing" Tweek agrees. He hasn't taken his hand off of Craig's stomach despite not being able to feel the movement. Craig loves all his attempts at being close. 

"At least, for now, they're letting me know that they're here" Craig says happily. 

"We know you're  _ -nghh-  _ there baby," Tweek says, stroking the curve of Craig's belly "we can't wait to meet you." 

— 

Craig hadn't felt right from the start. He woke up feeling weird, very fatigued. He calls in sick to work, even if he can't specifically describe the feeling he knows he can't manage work. He calls in and stays in bed, feeling vaguely crampy and moody. He doesn't worry at first because its not necessarily unusual for him to feel like this. Whilst this time did feel a little different, it wasn't so much that he felt worried. He's learnt a whole new brand of feeling 'off' since falling pregnant. He assumes it's just part of all the weird feelings that come along with having a baby. 

He spends most of the morning asleep, but when he wakes up he realises that he's not quite sure of the last time he felt the baby move. The feeling of movement is new though, he only felt it for the first time a few days ago, so he wonders whether he should be worrying or not. 

Tweek texts him and asks him if he's eaten anything, Craig ignores it as he doesn't feel like telling Tweek that he hasn't. He's not hungry, his stomach feels kind of sore and eating is the last thing he feels like doing. He sighs and rubs a hand over his stomach.

"Are you alright?" He wonders out loud "or do  _ I  _ just feel gross." 

There's a weird pressure in his lower pelvis that he hasn't felt before. He wonders if maybe he should call Tweek anyway, he feels kind of fragile and doesn't like being alone. Even if he never really is alone, with the baby in his stomach. He wants to be held in the way that only Tweek can. 

He's staring at his phone, debating whether to hit call when he feels a small release of pressure in his lower pelvis. At first it's relieving, like going to the bathroom when you've been holding forever. But when he looks at the wet between his legs he is terrified. 

It looks like waters, or, at least what he's always imagined waters would look like. He doesn't even stop to change his pants, he calls Tweek still sitting in the wet mess. 

"Hey Craig-"

"Tweek my water broke!" Craig interrupts, not bothering with pleasantries. 

"What are you  _ -gah-  _ talking about?" Tweek replies, clearly confused. 

"I was just sitting here and they went… Tweek it's way too early babies aren't viable bef-"

"I know" Tweek interjects, "call the hospital Craig, I'm on my  _ -ah-  _ way to get you now."

"Okay… get here fast" Craig replies shakily before dialing the hospital number.

"I'm only eighteen weeks pregnant but my waters just went, help!" He panics down the phone to whoever picks up.

"Okay, try to calm down. What exactly happened?" The person on the other end asks. They sound female, Craig assumes a nurse.

"I don't know I was feeling kind of weird and then it just went" he continues. 

"No pain or anything beforehand? Have you been feeling baby move at all?" She asks him. Craig can't believe how calm she sounds on the other end of the line. 

"No… I only just felt movement the other day, but there's been none today… and I've had like, cramps but nothing really bad" he tries his best to explain. 

"Ok well I think you need to come in, now" she stresses. 

"Am I losing my baby?" Craig says, his hands shaking in a clear blind panic. His blood runs cold at the thought.  _ There's no way.  _

"Come in and we'll examine you, I can't tell you over the phone. Try your hardest to stay calm, okay? Have you got someone to bring you in?" She asks, trying her best to sound comforting. 

"My boyfriend is coming" Craig tells her.

"Okay, well just come straight in and we'll do everything we can for you and your baby" she promises. The softness in her voice helps him a little. 

"Okay, thank you" he says quietly. 

He feels empty when they hang up. He's now all alone faced with the possibility that he's losing his baby. He wants to panic but almost doesn't know how… should he scream? Cry? Throw things? He just doesn't know how the hell to feel. 

By the time Tweek arrives home Craig hasn't even got changed out of his wet pants yet. He begins to sob as soon as he sees his partner's face.

"Hey, come here" Tweek says, pulling him into a tight hug "I love you, we're gonna be okay."

"It's not okay" Craig replies.

"I know, but we're  _ -hnn-  _ gonna get through it" Tweek promises him "get changed and we'll go to the hospital, okay?" 

Craig nods, at a time like this he can only follow Tweek's lead.

—

The first thing that happens is that Craig is rushed off to check for a heart beat. If the baby is still alive there's a small possibility that the hospital can keep Craig in and try to keep him pregnant until the baby is viable to be born. It's a very uncertain path but Craig would rather this outcome than if the baby has already died inside him. 

The doctors and nurses are all very sympathetic but it's mostly a blur for Craig. He's brought in for an ultrasound, and to check the heartbeat with a doppler. His hands shake violently while the doctors set up the equipment. Tweek strokes over Craig's knuckles.

"It's  _ -nghh-  _ gonna be alright Craig" Tweek promises.

Craig feels sick as the ultrasound screen flicks to life. It's the moment of truth and he isn't sure if he wants to know the answer. 

Their baby is still very much there on the screen but Craig can't see any movement. The nurse moves the doppler around his belly, Craig knows they're not finding the heartbeat. He knows the familiar sound of it now, it's painfully absent.

"I'm so sorry" the nurse says quietly, "but I can't find a heartbeat. It appears that your baby has passed away. I'm so very sorry."

Craig doesn't quite hear it at first. He waits for her to make a last minute discovery, for her to say "oh sorry! I've missed the heartbeat, your baby is fine." But it never comes. Just silence and emptiness. 

Tweek squeezes his hand, Craig appreciates it, almost like a beacon in the uncertain silence. 

"What's next?" Tweek asks, voice wobbling. He's clearly trying to be strong for Craig's sake. 

"Well…" the nurse says sympathetically "you can choose to deliver the baby now, or come back tomorrow when you've had a bit of a rest."

"What does deliver mean?" Craig asks, speaking up for the first time since the awful news was delivered. 

"It's quite late for a miscarriage so unfortunately you'll have to go through a labor" she says "we have management for pain for you of course."

"I want to have them now" Craig says "I can't go home I'll just think about it."

"Are you sure?" Tweek asks him.

"Yes" Craig replies. He can't stand knowing that their little baby is dead in his belly. He wants them out so he can pay the respects their baby deserves. 

"If you want to you can cuddle them, once they're born" the nurse advises "but if you don't want to see your baby that's also okay."

"I don't know" Craig says quietly, looking at Tweek.

"I'd like to see them, if that's  _ -nnn-  _ okay?" Tweek replies "you don't have to if you don't want to Craig."

"I think I probably will" Craig admits "after going through the pain and stuff."

"Well I'll send a doctor down to walk you through the processes and to help you make your decisions," the nurse says, "and I'm very, very sorry that this has happened."

"Do you know why?" Craig asks in a tiny voice.

"There's nothing obvious on the ultrasound, if you wish we can conduct an autopsy,” she explains. 

Craig feels sick at that thought. Craig isn't sure he wants to know that badly.

They decide to have the baby that night. Craig is started on labor inducing medication and he prepares himself for the hardest, possibly most awful experience he will ever go through. 

—

Craig assumes full term labor is probably more intensive and painful. But there's something extra traumatic about knowing your baby has died. Craig isn't sure what their child will look like, and honestly he's a little frightened of it. 

"It hurts a lot" he moans as he squeezes Tweek's hands.

"You can have some  _ -hnn-  _ pain relief babe" Tweek says.

"I don't deserve any" Craig says sadly.

"What do you  _ -gah-  _ mean?" Tweek says, sounding devastated. 

"I couldn't keep the baby safe and well, I don't deserve any kind of mercy" he sighs defeatedly. 

"Holy shit Craig, not at all. You've been doing  _ -nghh-  _ everything well, this isn't your fault and you deserve relief just as much as  _ -hnn-  _ anyone else does" Tweek explains, moving over to pull Craig into a hug "I love you so much, I think you should take some  _ -gah-  _ pain relief and make this awful experience easier? Yeah?"

Craig can feel tears prick his eyes as he buries his face in Tweek's shoulder.

"I'm a bad person" he says, "I really want them out." 

"You're not a bad person, you're grieving" Tweek says quietly, "It's okay. Let's  _ -hnng- _ just get through this." 

Craig appreciates Tweek becoming his rock. He needs the tether more than anything to keep him focused on the awful task at hand. 

After only a few hours, some diamorphine injections for Craig and a lot of tears their baby is born sleeping. A few hours is merciful, Craig has heard about it taking much longer for other people.

Tweek holds their baby. Craig looks over to see that it looks like a human. A small human, definitely, all red and thin skinned. But still a human nonetheless,  _ their  _ human. Their little person that they made, loved and hoped for. So many hopes and dreams all gone in one awful evening. This is the baby they were supposed to bring home, not bury. 

Craig decides to hold them too. He is no longer frightened when they are in his arms, just sad. He doesn't want to let them go, once he lets go it's real. He has to accept that they have passed and that he is no longer pregnant. For now, as he holds them, it's a limbo of denial. He's not ready to leave it yet. 

When they ask the nurse if she can tell the sex they are told that their child is most likely a girl. 

"I knew it" Craig says, beginning to cry.

"Our Ruby is an angel now" Tweek says, tearing up too.

—

_ It's not your fault. _

That's what everyone keeps saying. The doctors have told them this, that sometimes these things happen and there is no real reason or rhyme that doctors can see. They assure both Tweek and Craig that they've done nothing wrong. That they did everything they could and that this isn't something they could have prevented. 

Craig still feels like he's done something very wrong. Is there something wrong with his body? He also feels terrible about his hesitation at the beginning of the pregnancy. He hadn't exactly wanted her when he first found out. He'd been scared and ambivalent, Tweek was the one who brought him round. He feels like he didn't deserve her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want her desperately. He misses her so much. The little flutters, the swell of his belly and all her beautiful ultrasound pictures. They also have a lot of pictures from when she was born, the nurses took tons at their request. Craig is glad they have those memories, as short lived as they were. 

They named her Ruby Laura, after Craig's sister Tricia and his mother. 

They didn't tell anyone what had happened for a week or so. They just took a leave from work and spent time together. Craig had a little physical recovery as well. They had their daughter cremated, they didn't have a service as they aren't religious but just spent time remembering her. Craig had to ask Tweek to tell his family, he couldn't bear it. Thankfully his mom is going to organise a small remembrance ceremony, Craig doesn't think either he, nor Tweek are strong enough to organise anything. 

Telling work was the worst. Craig did it over the phone. He had to do it so that he could claim more leave, but also, he was glad for it to be over. Going back to work and having to explain everything that happened sounds more tortuous. He's thankful for the sympathy his boss gives, and he promises to let everyone at work know for him. It's a little less weight on his shoulder. 

"I hate that I almost didn't want her at first" Craig confesses. He looks down at his stomach, he just feels so empty now.

"You were scared" Tweek says, "you  _ -hnn-  _ wanted her deep down."

"I guess I just… I feel like I took her for granted" Craig admits.

"Well, we all sort of did" Tweek replies "but we had no  _ -ah-  _ reason to think we'd lose her."

"I know, I just miss her. I keep expecting her to kick and I have to remember she isn't there…" Craig bites his lip to stop himself from crying. There's been too many tears lately and Craig is done crying for now.

"I never got to feel her kick" Tweek says quietly. Craig suddenly feels terrible. He's actually gotten to feel so much more than Tweek ever will… all that bonding stuff that comes later, Tweek won't get. 

"Oh babe, I'm so sorry" Craig says, bringing Tweek into an embrace. "I was so focused on me and my feelings, I forgot about all the things you didn't get to have." 

"My mom said,  _ Tweek you can have another baby and feel all those joyful things _ … but that doesn't feel right. I want  _ Ruby.  _ Another baby wouldn't be  _ her"  _ Tweek vents. Craig feels horrible for him, and he completely gets it. To others it may seem like another baby would be the way to feel better and help their grieving that's not how they see it. To them she was a person that they knew, maybe they didn't know everything about her but she felt like someone to them. Someone not easily replaced. 

"Your mom was never great at saying the right thing at the right time" Craig comforts "but I feel the same way. Another baby wouldn't be filling that hole."

"I don't know how you feel about it all but… I need time… if we  _ -nnn-  _ ever have another one" Tweek admits, like he's afraid Craig might disagree. 

"Me too, I couldn't do it all again" Craig agrees. "Maybe in the future but… yeah, not soon."

"Let's just, maybe… keep on  _ -ah-  _ going. We don't need to plan or anything. Let's just grieve her, maybe  _ -hnn-  _ get married then see how we go" Tweek suggests. Craig likes that, they can just keep doing things together, navigating their lives and maybe this time they will prepare a little better, if they decide to try again. 

"I'd prefer that, we need time to really just be. To just figure out our own way through this" Craig replies, he gives Tweek another squeeze "I love you so much Tweek." 

—

"This is a symbol" Craig says to Tweek as they place their bags down in the hotel room.

"Of what?" Tweek asks.

"Of us honoring Ruby" Craig replies.

It's part of their resolution since losing her. They are going to do some things that maybe they wouldn't have been able to with a newborn. So their first item on the agenda is travel. They're taking her ultrasound pictures with them and they'll let a balloon go into the sky at a specific landmark. It almost feels like they're taking her with them, showing her the world and keeping her memory alive that way. 

So they're in Nepal, a place Tweek has always wanted to visit. Tweek dabbled in Buddhism when they were younger, and while he's not religious now or practicing it's still a place he's always wanted to see.

"I  _ -nnn-  _ can't wait for the trek" Tweek says "and to see all the temples."

"Definitely" Craig agrees "I think this is the perfect place for us to remember her."

"I think so too, at least we  _ -ah-  _ take her with us when we travel. Well, spiritually at least" Tweek hums, solemn but not completely unhappy. 

"One day, after we're married and we decide to have another baby we can bring them here?" Craig suggests.

"Maybe" Tweek replies "let's  _ -nghh-  _ enjoy this trip first."

"Then get married" Craig says cheekily.

"Of course" Tweek grins "I can't wait to be a  _ -gah-  _ Tucker."

"The Tucker family" Craig agrees happily. 

"We're not a  _ -mmm-  _ family yet though" Tweek says. 

"Yes," Craig affirms, "we are." 

They'll always be a family, no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is blesspastacraig if you wanna be friends :)


End file.
